This writing comes on the heels of celebrating 40 years of marriage, and seems a good time to talk about one of the somewhat surprising, yet very real, hards of life. Marriage. Volumes have been written about this God-ordained institution, but maybe in the simplest terms, we can agree: Marriage is hard.
We are not far along in the journey of wedded bliss before the easy-as-pie, happy-ever-after notions slip to the ground and become trodden under the reality that this commitment, this holy covenant, is fraught with difficulty and strife. Let’s bypass the flowery meadows and color-bursting sunsets and get to the nitty-gritty, shall we? Consider these four reality checks about marriage.
Reality Check #1. Marriage is not 50/50. Marriage is 100/100. Think. If you’re giving 50% to your marriage, what are you doing with the other 50% of your potential effort and commitment? Holding back, arms crossed over your chest, eyebrow raised, in case you aren’t getting your 50% in return? Ready to point out the gap of where your spouse failed? Instead of a push-pull relationship, we work towards a love-serve relationship. Each going all-in, with a consistent mindset of “How can I best love my spouse today?”
Reality Check #2. Marriage is not a bumpy road that gets smoother over time. It is potholes, roadblocks, bridges washed out, steep mountain climbs, looking over sheer cliffs kind of difficult, as long as ye both shall live. Each stage of life brings new challenges and potential perils: the early years of meshing two independent spirits with different backgrounds, baggage and beliefs; the stunned reality of nurturing little lives; navigating the whirling years with teens, to launching confident young adults, to facing the deafening silence of the empty nest; figuring out the sandwich years of grand-parenting and parent care-taking; adjustments to the full-on together years of retirement. Add in disappointments, grief, illness, financial stress, and the other myriad of challenges life brings, and you are looking at one dicey adventure.
But. Once you’ve fixed enough flat tires and worked through a blown engine or four, you begin to maneuver your marriage with greater confidence and determination to avoid road hazards. You find what used to be a statement of theology becoming a living, breathing reality, “And the two shall become one.” (Genesis 2:24) A beautiful thing. To grow in the realization this one knows you better than anyone in the world, and loves you anyway. That this one will defend you to the hilt, tho they know your every weakness and flaw. Each difficulty you fight through, melds you closer together, toward an inseparable union.
Reality Check #3. You will not always like your spouse. But, you must always love your spouse. Many times I’ve heard myself snarl, “You’re lucky I love you, buddy, because right now I don’t like you one bit.” And might have thrown my favorite Erma Bombeck line his way a time or two when in a huff, “I wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire.” Might have.
It doesn’t matter what we like or do not like about our spouse and their habits and behaviors. What matters is the holy covenant we entered, before God, that declares “I love you even when I don’t “feel” in love with you. I comfort you when I am burdened with my own sorrows. I care for you when your sickness lingers making me weary. I forsake my desire for another when my flesh and the whispers of Satan say they are more desirable than you. I cherish you when you are at your worst.” Why? Because you deserve it? No. Because I am righteous? Hardly. But, because this is what Jesus has done for me. Which ushers in number four.
Reality Check #4. You should not do marriage alone. You need to invite God along. A cord of three is not easily broken. This is not a platitude, but a truth. Jesus is the lifeline for the storms your marriage will roll through. That intertwined cord of you, your spouse and Jesus is critical to survive all the travail that life throws your way.
As individuals, we are responsible to keep our relationship with Jesus front and center, so when our spouse disappoints, we know that our Jesus will not. So that when we have nothing left to give, we can channel the bottomless love that Jesus offers. So that when the attacks of the evil one come against our marriage, and the words “I hate you” echo off the walls of our home, erupting from searing hurt and disappointment, we know we can trust the deep, redeeming love of our Lord to wash over us, our spouse and our marriage.
It is Christ-like agape love that we work to offer each other. A love that is patient. Kind. Doesn’t boast. Isn’t filled with pride. Doesn’t dishonor the other. Isn’t “me first”, but cares for others more than self. A love that doesn’t anger easily and does not keep a record of wrongs. (Wait. What?) It doesn’t delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. This love protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. Always. This love never fails.
(I Corinthians 13:4-8)
Who of us can love like this? Not one.
Then where is our hope that our marriage can withstand the hards of life? Our hope is in Christ. Not in ourself. Not in our spouse. But in Him alone.
1 Corinthians describes the lavish love our Father pours out to us. As we receive and are filled with His love, it overflows to our spouse. With this beautiful, strong love nourishing our marriages, our unions grow deep roots that weather any storm, build strong branches that support subsequent generations, and offer protective shade to parched lives around us.
Post-script: Some of you are tasting bile in your mouth reading through this because of where your marriage is right now. I am so sorry for whatever has brought you to this point. My words to you are the theme of this blog: “God sees you. God loves you. God wants to heal you and fill you up with Himself.” If you need reassurance of any of those, please read the three posts in the slider at the top of the blog page.
Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash
